Dear Annie: I am, I confess, guilty of ghosting a friend. I used to talk to her daily and had meals with her and her child. I explained to her how we communicated differently, and she just never “got it.” After she began sending TikTok videos, I just gave up. While I don’t want to hurt her feelings, communicating with her makes me anxious. I needed to draw the line to preserve my sanity. Perhaps some of those who have been ghosted might examine their own communications.
—Ghosting
Dear Ghosting: There’s nothing wrong with boundaries, but the definition of ghosting is to cut someone off abruptly without explanation.
Your letter doesn’t express why she made you so anxious—surely it had to be something worse than a few TikTok videos—but if you truly want to cut ties, it’s important to tell her why, gently and compassionately, of course.
Dear Annie: We lost our daughter-in-law to COVID-19 right after Thanksgiving in 2021. She and our son had divorced six months before. Both of them had new significant others and joined their three kids in a big blended family. My son’s girlfriend has three kids, and my daughter-in-law had gotten pregnant with her new boyfriend and had custody of our three grandkids.
She got COVID, had a C-section, and passed two days after delivering, not even knowing she had had her baby. It was so heartbreaking it even made the news.
We have seen the newest baby, a boy who is now 2 1/2, only one time right after he was born. My son’s three kids asked about him a lot at first but now do not anymore. Why does my heart feel so broken still? He isn’t my grandchild by blood. I feel depressed over it and over losing my DIL. I loved her like an actual daughter. She and my son were married for 13 years and very amicably divorced. I was very close to her. We were all looking forward to her baby coming.
I’m at a loss. My son tells me to get over it and that her getting pregnant with her new boyfriend is what kept them from reconciling. Our DIL’s mother is estranged from the child as well because she hates the baby’s dad and makes no effort to see him. I’m almost willing to secretly go behind everyone’s back and try to have a relationship as his “Gramma.” After all, he is also my grandchildren’s brother and is now old enough to be included in their lives, too.
What are your thoughts? I’d hate jeopardizing my relationship with my son and doing this might…
—Heartbroken Grandma
Dear Heartbroken: I’m so sorry for your loss. It makes sense to me that, given the close relationship you had with your daughter-in-law, you would feel as you do and want to be connected to her new baby.
There’s no harm in wanting to be a part of this baby’s life, but don’t do so behind your son’s back. Remember that everyone grieves differently and may need more time to adjust to the idea of these new family dynamics. I hope over time, with grace and open communication, your son may be more receptive to introducing this little boy into his siblings’ lives, at the very least.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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