Dear Annie: I am a sister who cut ties with a sibling, and I’d like to offer my perspective on why. Sometimes, family members who choose to disengage have valid reasons for doing so.
In my case, my sister has spent her life using and manipulating others. Her world is full of drama, and she constantly expects our family to rescue her from situations she created. My parents spent their lives rescuing her, and they expected me, as the older sister, and even my children, to do the same. Every family gathering became an opportunity for her to share her problems and ask for our money, time or anything else she wanted. She even taught her son to behave in the same way.
I began to dread seeing or hearing from them because it was never peaceful or pleasant. My therapist eventually asked me why I continued to let my sister and her son upset me so much. The answer: My parents had ingrained in me the belief that because she was my sister, I had to take care of her. But through therapy, I learned that I have a responsibility to take care of myself, and I have the power to choose whether to allow anyone to manipulate and upset me.
So, I chose to cut ties, and I’m much happier now. I imagine my sister has found others to rely on, but she’s no longer my problem.
—Estranged Sister
Dear Estranged: I’m sharing your letter to provide an example of someone who has chosen to cut ties with a family member. It’s a highly controversial topic, and I encourage my readers to write in and share their own experiences — whether estrangement has worked for them or if they’ve had a change of heart and welcomed the family member back into their life, perhaps with clearer boundaries.
Dear Annie: How do I approach my new boyfriend about a touchy subject without offending him? He rarely gives me compliments. I’d like to tell him that his lack of appreciation makes me feel less desirable, but I don’t want it to seem as if I’m criticizing him.
I want to express my feelings lovingly and help him understand how much his words would mean to me. Any advice on how to bring this up thoughtfully?
—Needs to Hear It
Dear Hear It: Everyone has different needs in a relationship, and his way of expressing affection might not come through verbal communication. Try looking for ways his actions might be complimenting you. That said, he may simply not realize how much you value verbal compliments, so don’t hesitate to let him know, just as you explained in your letter. Also, remember to offer him compliments; we get what we give.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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