Dear Abby: Our friend “Carrie” revealed to our close friend group that for the last few years she has been having an affair with her best friend “Julia’s” husband. Their kids are best friends, and they spend a lot of time together, even taking family vacations.
We have told Carrie many times how this can affect the kids, which she acknowledges, but the affair continues. This dirty secret is becoming increasingly difficult to keep because we love Julia, but nobody wants to be the messenger. Should we tell Julia, or wait until it inevitably comes out?
—Rotten In Rhode Island
Dear Rotten: Are you sure Julia knows nothing about the affair and hasn’t chosen to ignore it? Julia has children who still live at home. If you spill the beans, what will it do to the intact lifestyle they presumably enjoy? If you prefer not to hear any more about Carrie’s hijinks, tell her you don’t want to know any more. But I vote for keeping your mouth shut when it comes to making the revelations
Dear Abby: My son and his wife have been married for three years and have an 8-month-old son. She stays home to care for the baby. My son works from home as well. He has now taken a second job to make ends meet, so three days a week he works 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then leaves from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. and returns home at 11 p.m.
His wife believes in co-sleeping, which means she sleeps in the bed with the baby, while my son sleeps on a mattress on the floor. This has been going on since the child was born. My son also does 80% of the cooking. They live a thousand miles away, so I can’t help. He is almost her slave. I don’t want to say anything, but I would like their marriage to last. What should I do?
—Concerned In California
Dear Concerned: The last thing you need to do is interfere. Unless your son complains to you about the arrangement, stay out of it. If the situation becomes intolerable, your son will deal with it.
Dear Abby: It’s been five years since my position as professor at a small graduate school ended. I was forced out after 30 years of teaching, and two years short of my announced retirement date. I did nothing wrong. The reasons given were vague. Being deprived of a solid explanation hurt me deeply.
There was no severance pay and no benefits. I lost a substantial amount of income at a crucial point in my life, but no one seemed to give that a thought. For a long time, I was heartsick. I cannot yet find it in myself to forgive the dean and the president of the school. But somehow, I feel I should. How do I get unstuck? I’ve actually moved on in many ways, but I just can’t forgive.
—Hurting Still
Dear Hurting: Here’s how to get unstuck: Find a competent attorney who specializes in wrongful termination and discuss what was done to you. Follow the attorney’s advice, and when you are properly compensated, you are likely to be in a far more forgiving mood than you are today.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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