DEAR ABBY: I have been married to “Ellis,” a wonderful man, for a year and a half. This is a second marriage for each of us. My older children are on their own. Ellis has three boys (ages 15, 21 and 23) who live with us. The oldest is autistic. My husband and his ex-wife, “Mia,” share joint custody, but our home is the primary home.
Mia is supposed to have the kids two days a week and every other weekend. We have the children come to our house after school because she works and the law is, if there is child care, both parents must pay equally. Mia takes full advantage of our kindness and usually doesn’t pick the kids up until 9 p.m. on her nights. Sometimes, she doesn’t show up at all, which leaves us all hanging.
Ellis refuses to talk to Mia about this because it ends up in an argument and he says he can’t make her do anything. He also won’t go back to court to make her responsible because of the cost and the fact that he doesn’t want the boys to see him take their mother to court.
This situation is taxing, and Ellis gets upset with me when I tell him he needs to confront Mia or arrange to drop the kids off at her work on her days. I am exhausted, and this is putting a huge strain on our marriage. I’m not sure it will survive if this keeps up. Please tell me what to do. — STRESSED STEPMOM
DEAR STEPMOM: Does your husband know how strongly you feel about this? You two are overdue for a frank conversation. As much as your husband doesn’t want to spend the money, the answer to this problem may lie in a lawyer’s office. The fact that Mia doesn’t adhere to the custody agreement may change the amount of money he may be required to pay her, or vice versa.
Two of their “children” are adults now. Has there been any discussion about when and if they will live independently? The youngest is only a year away from being able to legally drive himself to his mother’s if she can’t pick him up. All of the responsibility for them should not be falling on you.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
