Dear Eric: I have two nephews who were recently married. My adult children were invited to the events, but my husband and I were not, nor did we receive a formal announcement. I have not sent a card or gift to my nephews. I am interested in the accepted protocol for acknowledging an event when the couples don’t send even an announcement or explanation for invitation restrictions. I know I can do what I want, but what do others do?
—Uninvited Dilemma
Dear Uninvited Dilemma: About a decade ago, Miss Manners wrote, “a wedding invitation is not an invoice.” That’s fabulous guidance for both guests and celebrants to remember. It stands to reason, then, that the absence of an invitation is also not an invoice. You don’t have an obligation here.
It all depends on the relationship you have with your nephews. If you feel compelled to share your well-wishes, despite not getting an invite, I’m sure that would be welcome and could even help build a stronger relationship. However, it seems that you’re rightfully perplexed about why you didn’t make the cut. If you’re looking for an explanation, a gift is less likely to prompt one than a direct ask. You can do that. But I would just send a card and let it go.
Dear Eric: “Paul,” my brother-in-law, will be having major surgery in the next month or so. My husband and I plan to fly out to see him while he’s recovering. While I don’t mind visiting Paul in the hospital, I get extremely anxious whenever I’m invited to stay as a guest in another person’s home. I just know he’s going to be disappointed when he learns that we intend to stay at a nearby resort instead.
Paul also has indoor pets, and I’ve never been comfortable around animals. If the subject of us staying with him should come up, how do I explain myself without seeming heartless? My husband and I think very highly of Paul and don’t want to hurt his feelings.
—Distressed Guest
Dear Guest: While Paul welcomes houseguests, hosting after major surgery is likely less than an ideal situation. So, unless you’re helping to provide post-op care, you can use that as an excuse. Even if you are providing care, it’s fine to say, “We don’t want to be underfoot, we want to give you your privacy, and it will help us to have a space to recharge so we can be fully present.”
It’s also completely fine to say to someone, “Your home is lovely; I feel very welcome. But I just feel more comfortable in a place with no animals.” It’s not heartless. It’s healthy communication about your needs. Good hosting is also about good listening.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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